Do I give myself permission to take a day off?

A man in one of these groups asked whether he was allowed a day to himself. His words, near enough exactly: "do I give myself permission to just have a me day?"

Then, in the same breath, "I haven't had a full day off for a while."

Nobody there was going to tell him no. There was nobody to tell him no. He had just said the thing he wanted next was more time for himself, and the size of what he was negotiating for was one day.

Nobody is refusing you the day

There is no one holding it back from you. A lot of the people at home would tell you to take it, and some of them have said something close to that already and got a shrug in return. You told them you were fine, you'd probably use it to catch up on jobs anyway.

So permission is the wrong shape for this. Permission needs an authority and a request, and it needs you to be able to say what you're asking for. Try this: Consider a full day without anything work related, what happens in it?

If this feels more difficult than it should, that's the state of things, and it's a better place to start from than guilt.

So why doesn't the day happen?

Because a day that's only about not working has nothing in it to protect, and the first person who needs something gets it.

It's the same reason a vague intention never makes it through the week. If you never define it you can't fail at it, and you can't keep it either. You said you'd take a day sometime. Sometime doesn't go in a calendar and nothing gets cancelled for it.

You're the one everybody leans on and you're good at it, and a day with nothing in it is the cheapest thing in your week to hand over.

What the day turns into when you haven't decided

You get to Saturday, you're tired, and tired makes the decision for you. Television, the phone, a couple of jobs so the day isn't a write-off. Then Sunday night comes round and you'd struggle to say what the day gave you, which is how you end up believing a day off doesn't do much, so you don't fight for the next one.

That's distraction, and it leaves you where you started with less of the weekend.

And I think the time off is not to sit on the couch and scroll and look at TV. The time off is there to give yourself more excitement, which means going out and doing things.

Daniel Lawson

One of the others in that group pointed this out. He said he has to be present in it, he has to know that he's resting, otherwise he's lying there and not taking in what he's doing. Resting on purpose, so he gets to appreciate it while it's happening.

Doesn't taking a day cost the people at home?

That was the real question underneath the permission one. He'd said in the same conversation that he wanted to be more present with his partner, and a day for himself sounded like the opposite of that.

It runs the other way, though.

The beauty is when you do have that me time, it fills your own cup up, and oftentimes then you can be more present with the people around you as well.

Daniel Lawson

I saw this on a motorbike ride I organised with a group of men, after a friend suggested it and then turned out to be too busy to come himself. Six bikes, forty minutes down the road, and we ended up sitting on a beach talking about it. People save half a year and fly across the world and pay thousands to do the ride that sits on our back doorstep for twenty or thirty bucks.

An hour in, at the first stop, I asked everyone what they'd been thinking about on the way. We went round the group and nobody had been thinking about anything.

Then the reflections started. "I forgot how to have fun. I forgot how to stop stressing. I forgot how to stop thinking about things." Grown men, on a beach, saying that.

And the question we all arrived at was: we could do this all the time, so why don't we?

If you're not filling your own cup, life gets pretty mundane, and mundane is what the people at home are living with. They're not getting your presence at the moment, they're getting the version of you that's managing everything, and you know that one, right? The day is most of what you've got to give them.

What makes the day happen

One thing in it you want to do, a time in the calendar, and told to someone else. It stays small on purpose, because a day you've left vague is a day you'll give away.

A man in the same group blocked out a full rest day, nothing business related and nothing work related, and then on the Saturday he scrapped the list he'd written for himself and went and did a couple of hours of woodwork instead. Carving, using his hands, on a project that had been sitting in his workshop for two or three years. He only got a little progress done and he was proud of it. His own summary of what changed: "It's just bringing attention and awareness to what I actually enjoy doing, not what I tell myself I need to be doing."

The list was what he'd told himself the day was for. The carving was what he wanted.

One. Decide the thing before the day arrives. Not on the morning, because by the morning you're tired and tired picks the couch. A week out, while you can still remember what you like. If nothing comes, borrow one. Someone near you does something on a Saturday that you'd quite fancy and have never tried.

Two. Tell someone else, with a time. Saturday, from nine, I'm doing this. A day nobody knows about is a day you can cancel on yourself with no conversation, and the conversation is most of what makes it real. It also gives the people at home something they can contribute.

The man who asked the permission question got his answer from somebody else's share. He heard another man describe scrapping his list and doing the thing he'd wanted to do for years, and what he said he'd focus on next was making more time for himself. He needed to hear what a day could have in it.

Common questions

How do I take a day off without feeling guilty?

The guilt tends to come from the day being undefined rather than from the day being taken, because an empty day feels like an indulgence while a day that is meaningful feels like something you're doing. Decide the thing first and see how much of the guilt is still there. Whatever's left is usually about never having asked anyone for the day in the first place.

What am I supposed to do on a day off?

Something you want, rather than something you should. Screens and the jobs list are both what the day defaults to when you haven't chosen, and neither of them is a thing you picked.

Is it selfish to take a day to myself?

The people closest to you are living with whatever's left of you after everything else, so a day that gives you something back lands in their column as well. What has been coming out of it is a year of you managing everything and being half present while you do it.

What if I take the day and can't switch off?

That's normal and it doesn't mean the day failed. Being present in your rest is a skill and it comes back slowly, usually through movement, or something that asks for your attention. Give it a few goes before you decide it doesn't work for you.

How often should I take one?

Less useful than having the next day already scheduled with something you're looking forward to. A day you kept beats a monthly commitment you'll negotiate away by the second month.

If this is you

The hard part is that you're being asked what you'd want a day to contain, and when you've spent years being the one who handles things, that question comes back empty.

What moved it for the man who asked was hearing another man's Saturday. One of the others described what he did with his day, and something in it was recognisable as a thing he wanted too. You can't get that from an article. It needs a few others talking about what they're passionate about.

The Reconnected Man and The Reconnected Woman are the group where we have these conversations together.