Being the one who can handle it

Everyone leans on you and you've never really minded it. You see what needs doing, you do it. You're good when things go sideways. People tell you that, and they're not wrong.

None of that's the problem and none of it's going anywhere.

It's the thing that grew up next to it. Somewhere back there you stopped asking for stuff, and then you got really good at not needing anything, and the two of those things happened together. Because if you're the capable one you never have to make a request. And a request is the thing that can get turned down.

It never shows up looking like self-abandonment either. It shows up as manners. As being independent, being easygoing, being the one who sorts it. Low maintenance. From the outside, and from the inside most days it just looks like being good at life.

But this is the thing right? Asking for what you want is hard when you're so used to giving and never receiving.

Most of what gets written about this points at boundaries. Say no more, protect your time, stop over-committing. And that's fine, but it's the easy half. Saying no is about what you'll refuse and you can do the whole thing without ever showing anyone anything. Saying I want this, and asking a specific person for it, there's no script for that one and nowhere to hide in it.

The other part people miss is what it does on the other side. When you handle all of it yourself, the people closest to you are left with nothing to give you. They're not holding out on you. There's just nothing there to hand over. Ask anyone who's tried to do something for you lately and watched you get there first.

So that's what's below. The asking. In the places where it's hardest, which is usually at home, and usually with the people who'd say yes.

• How do I stop needing to be needed?

  Because it stopped being something you do for people and became the position you hold. You get standing from it, and safety, and nobody ever has to as…