How do I stop managing my partner?
You stop by asking for something instead of directing it. Managing never makes you admit you need him, and a request does, which is why the swap is difficult rather than the wording. So it goes from "I need this" to "can you help me with this", and then you let him do it his way the first few times, which won't be to your standard.
A woman I coach brought this to a call as the thing she wanted to change.
I want to stop rescheduling my own calendar to fit my boyfriend's calendar.
A woman in one of my groups, on what she came with
Then she described how she talks to him about the planning, and I reflected it back as how you would direct an employee, or worse, the mother telling the boy. Her answer came straight back, "what I don't want," and then, "I hate that." She also agreed she is tougher with her own kids than with anyone else.
She is not the only one carrying that job. A woman in another group asked the same thing about herself.
what does it look like to be messy and chaotic and not have it all put together and not need to manage other people's emotions and just be free to be me?
One participant, asking the group
Another wants to stop being the one who holds it all, and every tool she owns is for holding, processing and managing. It is not the job she applied for, but it gets done anyway.
Why am I the one managing him?
Because managing asks nothing of you. You see what needs doing, you say what needs doing, and it gets done without you having to say you need him. A request says you do, and that is the difference between the two sentences.
"I need this by Friday" reports a fact and leaves him a task. "Can you help me with this" gives him a choice, and it says there is something you would rather not carry alone. The first one costs you nothing. The second one admits you need somebody.
So where depending on people was not on offer growing up, managing is what you got good at, and it feels neutral from the inside because it has always been neutral to you. Do this, call that, pick this up. No need in it anywhere. Her words for where that started.
That's how I was raised. Don't be depending on nobody for nothing.
Her, on how she grew up
Asked to rate how well she asks for help, she put herself "somewhere between a beginner and experienced", and she has run teams and a business for years. Fluent at telling, a beginner at asking. I said this to her on that call.
No one is going to offer a woman that has everything all handled already.
Daniel Lawson
My partner says I boss him around
That tends to be his word for it rather than yours, and what he reacts to is being told what to do.
We frequently talk about him not liking the command type of way that I say it, because that's how I'm raised. For me it's natural. It's not even positive or negative, it's just neutral. Do this, do that, say that, call this. For him it's not.
The same woman, describing how she speaks at home
A lot of people want to be the one who comes through for you, and being told to do something leaves them with a job on a list instead. So the same request, turned around, becomes an invitation. I gave her a line for it on that call, could you be my superhero, and she took it up straight away, because it asks him rather than tells him and he can say yes to that. She closed the call with it, laughing.
I look forward to talking to my superhero soon.
Her, at the end of the call
On the swap itself she was short.
from just telling him 'I need this' to 'can you help me with this?' I see that.
Her, on the change she was making
Pest for asking for help, arrogant for saying what you want at home, selfish for putting anything into yourself. A lot of us were handed those words for asking and kept them.
How do I ask for something without sounding demanding?
Say what you want, say what it is for, and leave the answer with him. A lot of the advice on this is about softening the opening, and a soft opening on a sentence with no context in it still arrives as an order. Give him enough to come through on.
| What you say | What he is left with |
|---|---|
| "I need this done by Friday" | A job on a list, and no reason it had to be him |
| "Can you help me with this?" | A choice, and something to come through on |
| "You always cut me off" | The argument you set up for him before he spoke |
| "There's something I really want to say. Can I please finish? This is important for me." | The request, and the risk sitting with you |
I gave her two framings for the same ask, one about the logistics, wanting more time together and needing help with the scheduling of it. Then the one underneath that.
I'm always on, always thinking about work. Something I'd really love support with is just being present, without the need to be productive.
Daniel Lawson
What she settled on was closer to the second, and what made it a request was that both of them were in the outcome rather than only her calendar.
Why don't I just let him do it?
This is usually where the managing is coming from, and she was clear with herself about it.
In a way I don't know if I trust him enough about his planning skills, that he will be able to follow through.
Her, on what stops her asking
She also said he needs to prove himself that he's valuable of her time, and gave the terms she would want before she trusted him with it.
Friday 2pm, no more emails, no more picking up the phone, just you and me doing something, and I'll organise my schedule and we'll stick to that. I need to see that five, ten times. That's my new truth. It's not just you doing it one time, and then the past 25 times have been erased.
Her, on what it would take
Five to ten reps before she believes it, and she cannot get one of them without asking first. She also knows where the standard came from, and calls it a control issue left over from the corporate years rather than a character trait. My way, my timing.
So the practice I set her was not a better script. Hand it over, know he will not do it to your standard, and have a good time anyway. When they did exactly that and the evening went differently to the plan, they laughed about it. It was a rep, and it was okay. Her way of putting the same thing, from her notes.
I even put down here: just let him do his stuff. I don't need to save him constantly.
Her, from her notes for the call
The asking log
Four questions, written down after each ask, for a month. I set these for her and they work for anyone on this.
- What is it that I want? Or, looking back, what did I want?
- Did I ask for it, or did I avoid it?
- How was I feeling right before I asked?
- What happened when I did ask? How did I feel, how did he respond, was it what I expected?
The discomfort right before you speak is the signal, and once you can feel it coming you can see every time it stopped you before.
What had already changed for her was the timing. She says it when she wants something, rather than commenting on it after she hasn't received it.
Now I'm proactive: hey, this is what I would like.
Her, on the shift
And the evidence was sitting right there, in the last thing she said about him.
He always tells me yes. He never tells me no.
Her, on her partner
Common questions
Isn't it faster to just tell him?
Once, yes. Over a year, no, because a command gets the task done and leaves the two of you where you were. If you want him to carry something, he has to carry it his way, and the first few times that means it gets done later, and differently, to how you would have done it.
What if I don't know what I want from him?
Then that comes first, and it is usually the reason why nothing has changed yet. The refusal sounds like this: "I don't need to ask for help. I don't need help with anything. I've got this." Not knowing the want is what makes help look unnecessary, and you can't ask for something you haven't described yet.
How do I ask for help around the house without nagging?
Nagging is a command repeated. So change what the first one was: say the thing, say what it is for, give a time, then leave it with him rather than checking. If it needs saying twice, say the want underneath it rather than the task again.
What if asking just loads him up?
Flip it, the way a woman in a group I run does before she sends the message: "if it was me, what would I think if it was reversed? I would be happy to do it. So why do I assume someone else wouldn't be happy to do it for me?" There is a practical side as well. It is not fair to load someone with only half the pieces and no clear outcome, which is also what makes an ask arrive as an order.
What if I ask and he says no?
Then you have an answer, which is more than you had. The way through is to go and ask, and then "notice what actually happens", because what you expect him to say is doing a lot of work the real answer usually doesn't support. A woman who had been sweating over a few messages asking for something was, by the end of that session, telling the group "just ask."
If this is you
If people have been following your instructions for years and getting the thing done, you already know how to be clear about what you want. What comes next is that same clarity pointed at something you want for yourself, said as a question, so the person in front of you gets to come through for you instead of completing a job. Asking is a rep like any other, and it goes better when someone asks you next week how the last one went, and when a few others around you are going after what they're passionate about and telling you about it.
The Reconnected Man and The Reconnected Woman are the group where we have these conversations together.